Posted by A.J. Axline on May 21, 2010 (293 views, 0 comments) Rating: 3.54
"Graduating Class of 2010, tenured professors, sweating, nervous non-tenured professors, hidden surveillance droids, invisible fey creatures, curious alien travelers hidden among us studying our odd cultural rituals, honored guests."
"We are all here today to celebrate your great achievement at this well-respected, long-venerated, and sorely under-funded educational institution. Everyone here, that is, except for those individuals who are being paid to serve refreshments, let your family members know where the restrooms are, or deliver commencement speeches. But, everyone else is here to celebrate your great achievement. Oh, and the people who have to put the chairs away after we're done and sweep up, they're not here for you per se, but everyone else, minus the surly undergrads who charged you $20 to park your cars within somewhat reasonable walking distance to the auditorium, is here today to celebrate your great achievement."
"It is traditional for a commencement speaker to offer words of practical advice to the graduates who are about to enter the next phase of their adult lives. As I am a traditionalist, particularly when it comes to the ambulatory abilities of zombies as depicted in movies and literature--because zombies do NOT run, they shamble... and these jackass modern directors with their sprint-happy undead track meets have completely violated the zombie locomotion aesthetic, and anyone who thinks that it's acceptable to have zombies which can move faster than an AMC Pacer on a frozen lake should be shoved back into the womb and strangled with their own umbilical cords--it is my privilege to offer a few small morsels of wisdom for you to nibble on as you scrape through the sere landscape of the global economic reality of this century."
"First and foremost: everything causes cancer. EVERYTHING. The air you're currently breathing? Cancerous. The ink used in the programs for today's ceremony? Cancerous. The zodiacal sign of Cancer? Cancerous. Me saying the word 'cancerous'? Cancerous. Cancer is everywhere, it's in everything, and the sooner you accept this and just live your cancer-shortened lives, the better off you'll be. Don't spend a lot of time trying to avoid cancer. Enjoy the time you get, and try to have a rudimentary will made up to help the people you leave behind clear up your estate when you die of cancer."
"It is better to respect things, than to fear them. Don't be afraid of the sun; respect the sun, even though it causes cancer. Don't be afraid of the ocean; respect the ocean, even though it can kill you really quickly (tsunami) or slowly (cancer). Don't be afraid of large natural forces, but respect what they can do, and act in accordance with their nature. This does not apply to government, by the way. Government should neither be feared or respected. It should be whacked with a rolled-up newspaper until it learns not to crap all over the global economic carpet and then demand that we pay to have it steam-cleaned."
"Don't engage in conversation with old men carrying hand lotion in the park. You may have heard this before. It bears repeating."
"You may have heard President Obama recently state that gadgets turn information into 'a distraction, a diversion, a form of entertainment'. What the President failed to include in his statement, is that the same thing can be said about politics."
"Tofu? Cancerous. That guy in the second row with the tassel on the wrong side of his cap? Cancerous."
"Some of you will become parents after graduation. In fact, it's likely that some of you became parents, temporarily or otherwise, during Spring Break. For example, take this young woman with her robe pulled open, nursing an infant in the front row, making it very difficult for me to say on what I'm concentrating. The point is, most of you shouldn't bear offspring. First, there are too many people on the planet as it is. You don't need to plant another row of kumquats in a world full of kumquats. Second, most of you will be, at best, mediocre parents, with mediocre children. Do we really need more mediocrity in this country?"
"And besides: children? That's right. Cancerous."
"So, if you feel you need a child, consider leasing. At the end of the term, you can trade it in for a newer model and maintain a constant love affair with diaper-sniffing throughout your entire adulthood."
"Finally, before you set forth on the next chapter of your lives, you should know that the universe doesn't care about you or anything that you do. Even your grandest, most significant interactions with the world around you are essentially infinitesimal in duration and relevance. And thus, since the universe doesn't care, it is rather important that you care about yourself and what you do."
"And, when the universe beats you like a Naomi Campbell-Chris Brown tag-team, you shouldn't take it personally. The universe is not out to get you, or anyone else; honestly, it just doesn't give a rat's ass. But, you should. So, find some people to love, find your tribe, and do those stupid-human tricks that make you happy."
"And, in case you were wondering... rat's ass? Cancerous."
